Illinois: Prediction 6-6 (3-6) Some way somehow, Lovie Smith got 6 wins and by god he’ll get 6 more this year. Illinois is a weird program and it would be crazy if Lovie Smith turned this program around. He somehow rallies the troops and plays above their level 2-3 games a year. The key for the Illini this year is finding their identity on offense and defense. Their offense seemed very hit or miss with no in between, they need to be more consistent and get those 4-6 yard, plays. On defense they need to be more aggressive and be more creative with coverages and blitz’s. They return a decent amount of players including Brandon Peters, which Illinois fans hope will be their most improved player and can stay healthy. They start the season off pretty easy, including Illinois State, UConn, Bowling Green, and Rutgers. That’s an easy 4 wins now all they have to do is win 2 of their last 8, and you’re bowling. Their best bets are probably Purdue, at Northwestern, and at Nebraska. Lovie is 4 years in now, so this is all of his players, so this is a statement year for him. His recruiting has been slim the past two years because he only got a total of 29 high school players between the two, and 14 transfers, which are essentially rentals. If these transfers and young players bloom this year they could make a splash in the west, probably won’t win it, but their ceiling could be 8 wins. submitted by
Iowa: Prediction 7-5 (5-4) I think Iowa will be a little broken spirited, while the ship slowly crashes, they still have time afloat and get 7 wins. Kirk Ferentz is probably in jeopardy, as he should be, so this might be the last year for him, you never know. But anyways, Iowa is losing Nate Stanley this year and has to break in a new QB quickly since weeks 2 and 3 are Iowa State and at Minnesota. I think they lose both of those games because of the new QB. Epenesa did a lot for their defense and they are going to miss him, and they are going to need someone to step up quickly. They return Koerner who was second on the team in tackling last year to lead the defensive backs, and this defense. I’m guessing that some players will transfer before the season starts, so that will take them down a notch, but they should still easily be bowl eligible and compete in the west. I think their losses are Iowa State, at Minnesota, at Ohio State, at Penn State, and Wisconsin. Look out for losses at Illinois and at Purdue, as those teams could catch them off guard easily, as both those teams made close games last year.
Minnesota: Prediction 11-1 (8-1) P.J. Fleck enters year 4 at Minnesota, and this is the breakthrough year. Returning Tanner Morgan and Rashod Bateman is pretty much all they need to ignite the offense, and the rest should fall into place. While Mike Sanford and Matt Simon take over the play calls after Kirk Ciarrocca left for Penn State. The coaching at this point matters more for the Gophers because the talent is there and is ready for more success. They have a huge offensive line that can match up with almost any team in the country and return all of their starters on the line might I add. The defense has a lot of guys that have played last year, but they need someone to step up, because all of their stars from last year graduated or went pro. Finding an identity on defense and having players step up and become leaders as soon as possible is key, since the Wisconsin game has been moved up to the middle of October. With that being said I think that is the one game they lose on this schedule, but the other tough games they have are all at home, so hopefully they should win those. They could lose to Michigan and Iowa and 9 wins should be the floor for this team, but if they play their cards right, they could play Ohio State in the Big Ten title game as two undefeated teams.
Nebraska: Prediction 5-7 (3-6) Nebraska is a team that people are high on at the beginning of the season, and at the end realize how bad they were. From the gun I think they’re bad, they have lots of flaws that I think Scott Frost won’t fix and could cost him his job within the next couple of years. They lose their leading WR JD Spielman on, which could affect how well Martinez plays this season, because he wasn’t that great last year, throwing for 10 touchdowns and 9 INT’s. They have a veteran line that should protect him if healthy, but he needs to stay healthy and work on his own mechanics. On defense they essentially lost everything, their leaders in tackles, sacks, and picks. They are probably going to throw a lot of young and unexperienced players into the mix early because of how much they lost and how little Frost and the staff have recruited defensive players. They were one of the worst defensive teams in the conference last year and losing everything won’t help at all, expect them to play fast paced shoot-out games where the total score is in the 70’s and 80’s. The games they should probably win are CMU, SDSU (South Dakota State), at Northwestern, Illinois, and at Rutgers. Realistically they could only win 3 or four, and on the flip side they could also win 7 and if they’re lucky 8. Ohio State being their cross-division rival doesn’t do them any favors but a couple years from now the fans in Lincoln should be demanding a game in Indy, or else Scott Frost is gone. Year 3 is usually the year where you have the players you like still from the previous coach and also your own, so it should be a year where you at least make a bowl game. But I think Frost was a fluke from the start and that year at UCF was more of a program thing rather than Scott Frost being a good coach, as that was proven when he left. Nebraska has lost a lot of its value in the past couple years, and has found them under the radar in the middle of the Big Ten. If this program can be turned around, that would benefit the conference and the division a ton.
Northwestern: Prediction 4-8 (1-8) I don’t think Northwestern is that bad of a team, I think they have some rotten apples in terms of some of the coaching staff and they just need to step up recruiting, because a lot of their good players are seniors this year. Honestly Northwestern could be bowl eligible this year and last year could’ve just been a fluke, but I wouldn’t bet on it. Mike Bajakian is the new OC, and they are changing to a completely new system, which in most programs need more than a year to adjust to. That’s the key for them going bowling this year is how quickly is this offense going to click. Hunter Johnson was a failed project, and I think that was on the offense he was in though. Peyton Ramsey will be a good guy to take the snaps under center in this transition year and be able to layout the blueprints for this offense. Lots of guys played last year so they will have a decent amount of experience this year, including star Paddy Fisher. The Wildcats under Fitzgerald have always had these downhill linebackers that are high production players. They do lose Joe Gaziano and Alex Miller, which hurts their defensive line, so they expect Jake Saunders to step to produce at a high rate. Pat Fitzgerald has been a good coach and last year was a surprise to all of us, and I don’t think they got that much better. In the long haul these years won’t be remembered during his tenure. But if he wants to retire rather than be fired, he needs to get this team back on the tracks.
Purdue: Prediction 7-5 (4-5) Purdue will be a very boom or bust team in the Big Ten this year. They have a chance a making a run at winning the west, but that is a shot in the dark until they keep players healthy and they improve their defense quickly. They start the season at Nebraska and host Memphis and Air Force, which are two tough group of 5 teams. Keeping Moore, Bell and whoever starts at QB healthy is the most important key for Purdue having a successful. They return two lineman to protect whoever it may be, and need the other three to grow up fast. Brohm brought in a new DC Bob Diaco after a disaster on that side of the ball last year. Rutgers was probably the only worse defense than them. They return 5 starters on defense but lose their leading tackler from last year. Having one of the most entertaining offenses in the Big Ten can take them places and can be really good. On the other side there is one of the worse power 5 defenses and is one of the biggest question marks for any unit in the whole Big Ten. Purdue will go as far as their defense takes them, they could be one of the biggest surprises in the country, or just be an average team that doesn’t make a bowl. I think they lose at Nebraska, at Michigan, at Minnesota, Wisconsin, and at Indiana. Honestly, they only games that I am almost sure they will lose are at Michigan and at Minnesota, the rest are almost tossup games. Realistically they could finish with a 10 win season or have a 4 win season.
Wisconsin: Prediction 10-2 (8-1) Wisconsin yet again benefits from being in a weak division. This is kind of a down year for the Badgers, yet they will still dominate. Notre Dame and Michigan seem like the two obvious losses there, and tough games like Minnesota and Appalachian State. Losing Taylor and Cephus are huge, but Wisconsin is good at replacing backs and receivers. What they aren’t good at replacing is Zack Baun, no way anyone can amount to his productivity from last year. Jim Leonhard is a great coordinator and will find a way to keep that defense one of the best in the country. Jack Coan will take the Badgers as far as he wants to go, because that position has been a huge problem since Russell Wilson. Wisconsin will always be a great but not elite team because of the QB play, and is the reason they made 4 Rose Bowls this decade, and lost all 4. Paul Chryst has air tight job security so if they end up with only 8 wins this year it won’t really matter. Nothing will change in Madison anytime soon so expect another 8-11 wins for the next few seasons.
On a Friday
EXT/NIGHT: Downtown Philadelphia A montage of the dark and murky streets of Philadelphia.
NARRATOR: Philadelphia, after dark. Not where you want to be. The kind of place where mistaking a quiet alley for a safe one might be the last mistake you ever make… DR. WAITRESS walks into an alley, alone. Her footsteps echo. A figure steps out of the shadows.
CRIMINAL 1: Hey, honey… What’s the rush? DR. WAITRESS turns around and starts to run. Another man steps out of the shadows and into her path. She screams.
CRIMINAL 1: Me and Bruno here was thinkin’ we all might have a little fun, see?
BRUNO: Heh, heh, heh. Fun. A voice from the background. It’s a deep, gravely superhero voice - sort of like an impression lampooning at Christian Bale’s voice in The Dark Knight…
GREEN MAN: Is it the type of fun the whole family can enjoy? In a flash, Green Man dashes to Criminal 1 and hits him with a powerful uppercut. He goes down like a sack of bricks. BRUNO grabs DR. WAITRESS and starts to back away.
GREEN MAN: Now, Troll Boy! Frank – disguised as his alter-ego and GREEN MAN’s trusty sidekick TROLL BOY – appears behind BRUNO, crouching down behind him as he backs up. BRUNO topples over TROLL BOY and WAITRESS runs free. TROLL BOY pulls out a pistol and executes BRUNO.
GREEN MAN & DR. WAITRESS: Jesus Christ!
GREEN MAN: Troll Boy! What the f*ck was that!?
TROLL BOY: What? He’s a bad guy! He was going to kidnap her!
GREEN MAN: Yeah, I know – but… Jesus! I mean… We’re heroes – you just executed the guy!
TROLL BOY: Look, you be a hero your way – I’ll be a hero my way. CRIMINAL 1 comes to. He looks over at BRUNO and when he realizes what he’s seeing, races over to BRUNO’s corpse, becoming hysterical.
CRIMINAL 1: Bruno? Bruno!? Come on, brother, speak to me. Oh no, no, no. (to TROLL BOY) WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? Oh, God, oh dear Jesus take me instead! GREEN MAN, TROLL BOY and DR. WAITRESS all look around at each other uncomfortably.
TROLL BOY: Uh…
CRIMINAL 1: BRUNO! WHY? You were going to Dartmouth in the fall! Oh, Bruno… BRUNO!
GREEN MAN: OK, let’s get the hell out of here. GREEN MAN, TROLL BOY and DR. WAITRESS run out of the alley and around the corner. They stop, and GREEN MAN and DR. WAITRESS look deep into each other’s eyes.
WAITRESS: Oh, how can I ever thank you, heroic stranger? Just then, a massive explosion is heard in the background.
GREEN MAN: I guess you’ll have some time to think about it. With that, GREEN MAN leaps into action with TROLL BOY trailing behind.
TITLE CARD: “Green Man 3: Rise of the Golden God” Credits roll over silhouettes of the main characters, accompanied by a dark-but-heroic score.
STARRING CHARLIE KELLY … FRANK REYNOLDS … DENNIS REYNOLDS … DEANDRA REYNOLDS … THE WAITRESS … WITH MAC AS “ENRIQUE BEEFCAKE”… AND CRICKET AS “JOHNNY LOWLIFE”.
INT/NIGHT: News Studio We join a news broadcast, already underway.
NEWS ANCHOR: To recap, if you’re just joining us – a huge blast-type explosion has just created a hole-like-crater in the side of the Philadelphia Institute of Science, home to the some of the world’s most advanced technologies and stuff. Mayor Brian LeFevre says authorities are still surveying the inventory to determine what, if anything, might have been stolen. CUT TO INT/NIGHT: The Green Room GREEN MAN and TROLL BOY – now out of costume and under their real identities, CHARLES KELLY and FRANK REYNOLDS – are watching the newscast in their hideout, The Green Room (which is just Paddy’s, but with a bunch of high-tech looking stuff around). CHARLES grabs a martini from the bar. He’s a slick-looking, well-dressed playboy type. Frank is dressed like a slob as always, wearing a sweaty shirt with orange stains.
CHARLES: What do you think, Frank?
FRANK: I don’t know. The walls of the Philadelphia Institute of Science are reinforced with ultranesium; whoever blew that hole-like-crater must have had some serious firepower. CHARLES stirs his martini and ponders.
CHARLES: Hmm. I’m going to go check it out.
FRANK: Don’t you have a date tonight?
CHARLIE: I’ll make it… Don’t wait up. CHARLES grabs his Green Suit and heads out.
INT/NIGHT: The Philadelphia Institute of Science COMMISSIONER PEACOCK (Dee) and her team have the scene sealed off. DEPUTY GUTTERGASH (Artemis) approaches her.
DEPUTY GUTTERGASH: Alright Commissioner, whole place has been sealed off and combed down. You want us to keep at it?
COMMISSIONER PEACOCK: Nah, send the boys home. You get some rest too, Guttergash.
GUTTERGASH: And you, ma’am?
PEACOCK: I’m going to stick around for a bit.
GUTTERGASH: Yes ma’am… Well, goodnight. GUTTERGASH and the rest of the cops clear out. COMMISSIONER PEACOCK crouches over a pile of rubble and sighs.
MAYOR LEFEVRE: Peacock! All of a sudden, MAYOR BRIAN LEFEVRE (Dennis) walks into the scene with his silent bodyguard ENRIQUE BEEFCAKE (Mac). MAYOR LEFEVRE stops and allows ENRIQUE to perform an ocular patdown of PEACOCK. He clears her, and LEFEVRE steps forward.
LEFEVRE: Peacock! Please tell me it isn’t true! They got… it? PEACOCK sighs.
PEACOCK: I’m sorry, sir.
LEFFEVRE: Jesus Christ, Peacock! Well, what are you doing to find it?
PEACOCK: We have our best men on it, sir, and we’ve traced –
LEFEVRE: Shut up, Peacock. Find it – now. Or I’ll find a Police Commissioner who can. MAYOR LEFEVRE and ENRIQUE leave the scene. PEACOCK crouches back over the rubble and sighs again.
PEACOCK: What the hell am I missing? A voice from the background.
GREEN MAN: Same thing as everybody else… the big picture. PEACOCK turns around. GREEN MAN steps out of the shadows.
GREEN MAN: What did they take? PEACOCK sighs.
GREEN MAN: What – did they take?
PEACOCK: Twelve years ago, Philadelphia’s top scientists discovered a way to perfectly duplicate atomic mass. The mayor has kept it under wraps ever since, developing all kinds of military applications for it.
GREEN MAN: Jesus Christ… You mean – whoever just blew this hole-like-crater the size of a small basin is out there running around with some kind of… cloning machine?
PEACOCK: That’s right, Green Man. GREEN MAN notices something under a piece of rubble in the corner. He goes and picks it up. It’s an empty syringe.
PEACOCK: What the hell is that?
GREEN MAN: I think I might have just found the needle
in this haystack…
EXT/NIGHT: Outside the Philadelphia Institute of Science MAYOR LEFEVRE and ENRIQUE are walking from the Institute to their car, the driver waiting in it at the curb. All of a sudden, Philadelphia Tribune ace newshound SCOOPS MCKENZIE (Lawyer) walks out of the shadows and approaches the mayor.
SCOOPS MCKENZIE: Mayor LeFevre? Scoops McKenzie, Philadelphia Tribune. Mind if I ask you a few questions about the break-in tonight?
MAYOR LEFEVRE: We’re still looking into McKenzie, there’s nothing more to say.
SCOOPS: Oh, is that so?... Because I did a little diggin’ – spun through the rolodex once or twice, greased a wheel or two – and I happened to come across a little email chain between the mayor’s office and a certain… geneticist? ENRIQUE steps forward, cracks his knuckles, and gets into a karate stance. MAYOR LEFEVRE steps forward as well and puts his hand on ENRIQUE’s shoulder.
MAYOR LEFEVRE: Stand down Enrique, it’s OK. We’re all professionals here! I have to admit, McKenzie – I’m a big fan of your work.
SCOOPS: Well I appreciate that mayor, but unfortunately flattery wasn’t the answer I was looking for. Now I’m just giving you a chance to comment here – but either way, this story runs front page tomorrow.
MAYOR LEFEVRE: Ha… Well, then. I can see I’ve been bested. This is going to be a big story for you, McKenzie… Congratulations. MAYOR LEFEVRE extends his hand to SCOOPS to shake. SCOOPS pauses, and then cautiously reaches out and shakes. Just then, MAYOR LEFEVRE’s eyes and hair light up a bright gold – assuming the power of his alter-ego, THE GOLDEN GOD. SCOOPS screams, and rips his hand away – but it’s too late. The gold spreads from SCOOPS’ hand across his body – entombing him in seconds. MAYOR LEFEVRE’s eyes and hair return to normal. He turns to ENRIQUE.
MAYOR LEFEVRE: Get rid of the body. And then go get those surveillance tapes. I’ve got work to do. MAYOR LEFEVRE gestures to a security camera pointed toward them. ENRIQUE nods and lifts the solid gold body like it’s a feather. He disappears into the night. MAYOR LEFEVRE gets in the backseat of the car, and it drives off.
INT/NIGHT: Johnny Lowlife’s Hideout Small-time criminal JOHNNY LOWLIFE (Cricket) is tying off in his “hideout”, a couple of boxes and sheets underneath an overpass. JOHNNY sings as he prepares to shoot up.
JOHNNY LOWLIFE: Hair-oh-ween, if ya know what I mean! I would lick a spleen, for some hair-oh-ween! He reaches around for something, but can’t seem to find it. A voice from the background.
GREEN MAN: Looking for something? JOHNNY jumps up and then recoils in fear.
JOHNNY LOWLIFE: Ah, oh God, no!
GREEN MAN: Only you’d be stupid enough to leave a kickprick at a crime scene, Johnny Lowlife.
JOHNNY LOWLIFE: I’m sorry! I just needed some crank, bad! I tried to rob some teens but they overpowered me and threw me down a manhole!
GREEN MAN: The real mystery is how a waste of oxygen like you manages to blow through an ultranesium wall… and why. So start talking.
JOHNNY LOWLIFE: Look, man – I just did a job for these two brothers. That’s all. They brought the juice, I just made the bang go pop – OK? Then they sent some other guy in to take care of the rest.
GREEN MAN: These brothers – what were their names?
JOHNNY LOWLIFE: I don’t know their names. All I know is they operate out of the old dairy factory on Third – and they pay cash.
GREEN MAN: What? How do you know they’re brothers if you don’t know their names?
JOHNNY LOWLIFE: I don’t… I don’t know how I know that...
GREEN MAN stares at JOHNNY LOWLIFE and then starts to walk away.
JOHNNY LOWLIFE: Hey, can I have my syringe? GREEN MAN tosses the syringe into a pile of dog crap. JOHNNY LOWLIFE picks it up immediately.
JOHNNY LOWLIFE: Thank you! GREEN MAN pulls out his phone and calls TROLL BOY.
GREEN MAN: Troll Boy. Do me a favour – head over to the old dairy factory on Third. I’ll text you the details… I’ve got a date to catch.
INT/NIGHT: The Old Dairy Factory TROLL BOY walks through the old dairy factory. It’s dark and dusty.
TROLL BOY: Don’t even know what the hell I’m lookin’ for here. Two guys that might be brothers? While Charles is off wreckin’ some clam? This is some goddamn bullshit – I hate being a sidekick. TROLL BOY hears a crack and whips around. A gang of criminals step out of the shadows, led by the BOILER BROTHERS – BERT BOILER (Liam McPoyle) and BART BOILER (Ryan McPoyle). The BOILER BROTHERS are each holding a jar of brownish milk, and both are sporting milk moustaches.
BERT BOILER: Who the hell are you?
BART BOILER: Some kind of Monster Grandpa?
TROLL BOY: It’s Troll Boy, dickhead.
BART BOILER: Well, I mean, you’re definitely not a boy.
BERT BOILER: What are you doing here, Troll Boy?
TROLL BOY: Looking for you two, I imagine. BERT BOILER opens his jar of brown milk. TROLL BOY recoils at the smell.
TROLL BOY: Oh, Christ – are you drinking that milk? That shit’s probably been sittin’ here since the Depression!
BERT BOILER: This is hyper-pasteurized goat’s milk from 1935.
BART BOILER: It’s been aged to perfection. The vitamins have been stewing in their own juices for nearly a century.
BERT BOILER: This milk is packed with such an intense concentration of nutrients, each sip gives us a superhuman-like boost of adrenaline.
BART BOILER: And it tastes divine – especially at room temperature.
BERT BOILER: We call it hypermilk.
TROLL BOY: Oh God, it smells like someone died in an outhouse!
BERT BOILER: What are you doing here, Troll Boy!?
TROLL BOY: Jesus, that stinks… Are you the two brothers that hired Johnny Lowlife to break into the Institute of Science?
BERT BOILER: Well we are brothers – Bert and Bart Boiler, the Boiler Brothers – but as for the other thing…
BART BOILER: That sounds like a question you shouldn’t be asking…
BERT BOILER: Lucius? LUCIUS, an enormous and imposing member of the BOILER BROTHERS’ gang, steps forward. He chugs a jar of hypermilk, smashes the empty jar, and lets out a primal scream. He grabs a baseball bat wrapped in rusty chains and laughs maniacally as he walks toward TROLL BOY. TROLL BOY pulls out his pistol and shoots LUCIUS in the stomach. LUCIUS drops to his knees. The gang screams in horror. TROLL BOY executes LUCIUS, point blank.
BERT BOILER: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!
BART BOILER: LUCIUS!!!
BERT BOILER: What the hell is wrong with you!? Are you insane!?
TROLL BOY: What!? He was about to beat me with a baseball bat!
BERT BOILER: So you punch him! You throw him into a wall! You don’t shoot him in the stomach and head!!
TROLL BOY: Look at me, you think I can pick that guy up and throw him? He’s got like 200 pounds on me! Plus he was all hopped up on the milk!
BART BOILER: You really are a Monster Grandpa!
TROLL BOY: Alright, screw this. TROLL BOY fires a round into the ceiling.
TROLL BOY: Now tell me why you hired Johnny Lowlife to do the Institute job or I’ll blow every single one of you bastards full of holes!
BERT BOILER: Alright, alright – look… We were just in charge of getting into the place, so we hired the only person desperate enough for drug money to handle the extremely dangerous amount of unstable explosive material needed to blow through ultranesium.
TROLL BOY: Lowlife told my partner that someone else was sent in to finish the job… Who was it? The BOILER BROTHERS look at each other. Silence. TROLL BOY fires another round into the ceiling.
TROLL BOY: Who was it!?
BART BOILER: Enrique Beefcake!
BART: You saw how casually he murdered Lucius, man. If you want to die for them, that’s fine – but I’m not ready to go yet, man – I just bought a houseboat!
BERT: Wait… you’re moving out? TROLL BOY fires a third round into the ceiling. The BOILER BROTHERS jump back to attention.
TROLL BOY: You mean Enrique Beefcake, as in the mayor’s right-hand man? Why the hell would the mayor break into his own Institute?
BERT BOILER: Look, we’ve told you all we know. Now can you please leave so we can clean up our friend’s corpse and give him a proper Amish burial?
TROLL BOY: Sure. And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry about shooting him. But you know, could be a good lesson… maybe it’s time to start carrying guns, right?
BART BOILER: Get out!
TROLL BOY: Ok, I’m going. TROLL BOY starts to leave, but notices a crate of hypermilk by the exit. He looks back, picks up a few jars, slips them into his utility belt – and leaves.
INT/NIGHT: Philadelphia Police Headquarters COMMISSIONER PEACOCK sits at her desk in the empty office. She’s looking at papers on her desk. PEACOCK sighs, leans back, and makes a phone call. She pauses for a few seconds as the line rings out and goes to voicemail.
PEACOCK: Hey honey… Tried your cell a few times, figured I’d see if you were maybe home already – but I guess you must just be slammed with all of this. I suppose it’ll be a long night for both of us. Anyways, give me a shout if you get a few seconds. Love you. CUT TO INT/NIGHT: Commissioner Peacock’s Home
As Peacock’s voicemail ends – we see the landline phone at her home. The camera pulls back to reveal a wedding photo on the wall behind the phone – it’s of COMMISSIONER PEACOCK and her husband, SCOOPS MCKENZIE. CUT BACK TO INT/NIGHT: Philadelphia Police Headquarters PEACOCK hangs up the phone and sighs. DEPUTY GUTTERGASH walks into the office with two cups of coffee.
GUTTERGASH: Need a recharge?
PEACOCK smiles, and GUTTERGASH hands her the coffee.
PEACOCK: I thought I told you to get some rest, Guttergash.
GUTTERGASH: Ah, I just got one of these instead. GUTTERGASH raises her coffee cup. PEACOCK laughs and takes a long sip.
PEACOCK: That does hit the spot.
GUTTERGASH: Yep, nothing does the trick like a good old fashioned cup of joe with some crushed Modanifil and three ounces of liquid methylphenidate. PEACOCK pauses.
PEACOCK: … What? What are those words? What the hell did you just give me?
GUTTERGASH: Yeah, I call it a booster shot! Gets the blood moving.
PEACOCK: Oh my god. I drank like a third of this already!
GUTTERGASH: Ooo – that’s not good. Better to go slow, this stuff is real potent.
PEACOCK: Umm, I can smell shapes! Is that supposed to happen?
GUTTERGASH: Not for a few hours at least. PEACOCK picks up a glass and hurls it across the room. She screams at the top of her lungs.
GUTTERGASH: Oh boy. Well, I should probably skip out – I really just came by to drop off the booster shot… and this. GUTTERGASH pulls a USB stick from her pocket and puts it on PEACOCK’s desk.
PEACOCK: What? What? What the hell is this?
GUTTERGASH: Well we already reviewed all the surveillance from the scene of the break-in, but this is the footage from the other cameras around the building.
PEACOCK: I thought that footage was destroyed!? They destroyed it!!
GUTTERGASH: It’s the 21st century - everything gets backed up. GUTTERGASH leaves. PEACOCK stares at the USB stick. She screams at the top of her lungs again and punches a hole in a cubicle divider.
EXT/NIGHT: The Swan’s Knuckle CHARLES, out of costume, arrives in his million-dollar Italian sportscar – the Sexerati Thrusterosa – at Philadelphia’s finest restaurant, The Swan’s Knuckle. He gives the keys to the valet and walks into the restaurant. In the foyer he spots a woman in a beautiful dress, facing away from him.
CHARLES: Look at you – early as usual. His date turns around. It’s DR. WAITRESS.
DR. WAITRESS: Well, hello handsome. The two embrace and share a passionate kiss. CUT TO INT/NIGHT: The Swan’s Knuckle CHARLES and DR. WAITRESS are at their table.
CHARLES: So… have they told you what was stolen yet?
DR. WAITRESS: No, not yet. The cops won’t let any staff into the Institute until they’re finished in there, which could be weeks.
CHARLES: Are you worried it be could be something dangerous in the wrong hands?
DR. WAITRESS: I don’t know, Charles. Knowing what’s in there though… The possibilities are scary.
CHARLES: So… anything else exciting happen today? DR. WAITRESS pauses.
DR. WAITRESS: Um, nope. Nothing I can think of. CHARLES looks at DR. WAITRESS suspiciously, but suddenly - his phone vibrates. He looks at it and reads the text from Frank: “Mayor behind Institute break-in. Meet at City Hall NOW”. CHARLES is shocked.
DR. WAITRESS: Is everything OK, sweetheart?
CHARLES: Um, no – actually. There’s… been a fire at one of the factories…
DR. WAITRESS: Oh my god!
CHARLES: Yeah, hundreds of good, hard-working people burned to a crisp… So I probably should be going!
DR. WAITRESS: Yeah, of – of course. Go. Let me know if there’s anything I can do.
CHARLES: Thanks, Darling. I’ll make it up to you. CHARLES kisses DR. WAITRESS and dashes out. DR. WAITRESS watches CHARLES leave, and as soon as he exits – she dashes out the back exit. Seconds later, THE GUGINO’S WAITER arrives at their table carrying a bottle of wine.
GUGINO’S WAITER: Here we are, our finest wine – uncorked after 73 years just for – The GUGINO’S WAITER realizes there’s nobody at the table. He looks around.
GUGINO’S WAITER: Oh, goddamn it.
EXT/NIGHT: Streets of Philadelphia TROLL BOY is running through the streets of Philadelphia to meet GREEN MAN at City Hall. He cuts down a dark back road. A figure steps out of the shadows onto the sidewalk. It’s CRIMINAL 1, from the first scene of the episode. He’s got a gun.
TROLL BOY: Oh, shit! It’s you!
CRIMINAL 1: You… you killed him… you killed my Bruno. TROLL BOY reaches for his gun. CRIMINAL 1 pulls the hammer back on his gun and points it at TROLL BOY’s head.
CRIMINAL 1: Don’t – move! … Ever since that fateful moment, that moment when you took the person dearest to me from this Earth … I’ve been thinking about what I’d say to you when I saw you. Meticulously choosing each word, obsessively rehearsing and – All of a sudden, a police cruiser comes out of nowhere and crushes CRIMINAL 1.
TROLL BOY: Oh, shit! PEACOCK jumps out, gun drawn, still tweaking on the drugs GUTTERGASH slipped her.
PEACOCK: Hey! Troll Boy! Do you know where – PEACOCK notices the corpse of CRIMINAL 1 under her car.
PEACOCK: OK, no time for that – Troll Boy, we’ve gotta go – we’ve gotta get Green Man. The mayor killed my husband and I want to go get some revenge.
TROLL BOY: What!?
PEACOCK: Yeah, he killed my husband – he turned him into gold, I guess he’s got some kind of power where he can turn people into gold, and he did that to my husband and so now my husband is gold and dead. Anyways, I’m absolutely flying on some shit my deputy slipped into my coffee so I haven’t been able to emotionally process anything yet, I’m just really, really focused on this revenge, and getting it – on the mayor, for turning my husband into a dead, gold, dead guy. So, let’s go get Green Man – and let’s go. Let’s go, ok?
TROLL BOY: Yeah, oh – OK. We’re actually heading there already anyways to - PEACOCK fires her gun into the air and screams at the top of her lungs. TROLL BOY runs around to the other side of the cruiser and gets in the passenger seat. PEACOCK gets in the driver’s seat and peels out. TROLL BOY notices a coffee cup in the cupholder.
TROLL BOY: So, is this the coffee with the drugs in it?
PEACOCK: Yeah, I figured I’m probably going to need all the energy I can for this revenge scheme.
TROLL BOY: Huh… Can I have a couple sipskis?
PEACOCK: Yeah, please – it’s actually good if you chug a lot of it real fast. TROLL BOY pulls out a jar of hypermilk.
TROLL BOY: Oh, wait – I got this rank milk, these assholes were getting cranked up off it – I killed one of them, but I got took some of their milk. Should we put some in the coffee?
PEACOCK: Yeah, sure – rank milk, put the rank milk in. TROLL BOY pours some of the hypermilk into the coffee.
TROLL BOY: Bottoms up bitch! TROLL BOY chugs the coffee. PEACOCK laughs maniacally as the cruiser tears through the streets of Philly.
INT/NIGHT: News Studio We rejoin the broadcast, now with breaking news.
NEWS ANCHOR: If you’re just joining us, we have some sad and shocking news to report. One of this city’s journalistic giants, Scoops McKenzie of the Philadelphia Tribune – was found dead earlier this evening, his body encased in a gold-like-substance, most likely gold… In an another disturbing twist, whoever responsible for the murder had tied a magnifying glass above the corpse, appearing to incorrectly assume the sun would melt it in the morning. Police are still – The broadcast cuts to static for a few seconds, before cutting to a shot of THE GOLDEN GOD – now in a golden warlock-like costume and aviation goggles to go along with his hair and eyes.
GOLDEN GOD: A goddamn magnifying glass? What a moron. (Notices he’s live) Oh - hello Philadelphia! What do you think of my work? You don’t have to answer – I know you love it. It’s gold, after all – and everyone loves gold. Sweet, pure, powerful gold. And soon, you – just like Scoops McKenzie – will have your gold. I will deliver it to you. For I… AM THE GOLDEN GOD! AND I WILL POUR THE MOLTEN SUN UPON THE WORLDS OF MEN! Bow to me now, Philadelphia – and perhaps some of you will be spared.
GOLDEN GOD laughs maniacally, and the feed cuts back to the studio. The news anchor is entombed in solid gold.
EXT/NIGHT: Philadelphia City Hall Green Man arrives in front of City Hall as the rain starts to pour. He stares at the building – a crack of lighting, and he’s gone. CUT TO – INT/NIGHT: Philadelphia City Hall Two security guards patrol the lobby.
SECURITY GUARD 1: So, should we go grab a drink in celebration of this, our last shift as security guards?
SECURITY GUARD 2: Absolutely – I can’t wait to begin my new life at the monastery tomorrow.
SECURITY GUARD 1: Nor me, to start my new career as a face model! Just then, GREEN MAN flashes out of nowhere and strikes SECURITY GUARD 1 directly in the face. He stumbles back and lands face-first in a barrel labeled “Broken Glass for the Homeless”. GREEN MAN turns and walks toward SECURITY GUARD 2.
SECURITY GUARD 2: Wait, I’m still discovering the four Noble Truths! GREEN MAN picks up SECURITY GUARD 2.
GREEN MAN: Number three… there is an end to suffering! GREEN MAN tosses SECURITY GUARD 2 into a wall, knocking him unconscious. CUT TO - INT/NIGHT: Philadelphia City Hall A montage rolls of GREEN MAN taking down security guards around City Hall, on his way up to the Mayor’s Office. He reaches a hallway that with a sign that reads “This way to Mayor’s Office – must be 18 (IDs WILL be checked)”. As he runs down the hall, the lights go out. When they come back on, ENRIQUE BEEFCAKE stands between GREEN MAN and the Mayor’s Office – his signature cat eyes in place.
GREEN MAN: Beefcake! We don’t have to do this! ENRIQUE charges at GREEN MAN. The two of them clash in awesome hand-to-hand combat. Equally matched, they pause to catch their breath – and GREEN MAN notices a cross and rosary beads around ENQIRUE’s neck that has become visible during the fighting.
GREEN MAN: Ah… a religious man, are you Beefcake? ENRIQUE doesn’t respond.
GREEN MAN: Huh… Must be hard listening to your boss walk around calling himself “The Golden God”. ENRIQUE looks away in thought.
GREEN MAN: Tell me Beefcake… does the Bible say anything about worshipping other Gods? ENRIQUE clutches his rosary beads.
GREEN MAN: Killing people, turning them into gold… I wonder what Jesus would think about that… ENRIQUE sighs heavily. He stares at his cross.
GREEN MAN: Come with me, Beefcake… Repent with me. We can put an end to this, together. ENRIQUE looks down in shame. He takes his cat eyes off and throws them on the ground. He looks up at GREEN MAN, who smiles. ENRIQUE walks toward GREEN MAN – pauses – and then continues to walk past him, toward the exit. GREEN MAN sighs, and runs toward the Mayor’s Office.
INT/NIGHT: The Mayor’s Office/Laboratory GREEN MAN walks into the Mayor’s Office, to discover it’s a massive laboratory. GOLDEN GOD is nowhere to be seen – but his voice suddenly echoes throughout the room.
GOLDEN GOD: Hello Green Man… Why do I get the feeling you aren’t here to surrender?
GREEN MAN: Show yourself LeFevre! MAYOR LEFEVRE steps out of the shadows, back in his regular mayoral outfit.
MAYOR LEFEVRE: Very well. GREEN MAN runs toward MAYOR LEFEVRE. He hits him with a powerful uppercut, and MAYOR LEFEVRE flies back into a shelf. The shelf falls onto him. GREEN MAN stares at the corpse of MAYOR LEFEVRE, and begins to turn around. Suddenly, another MAYOR LEFEVRE tazes him in the neck, and GREEN MAN blacks out. CUT TO – INT/NIGHT: The Mayor’s Office/Laboratory GREEN MAN comes to – only to realize he’s in a high-tech chair being held down by steel restrainers. He struggles to break free, but it’s no use. GOLDEN GOD walks into view.
GOLDEN GOD: Philadelphia’s Greatest Hero… The Green Man. Do you know you’re child’s play to me? Do you see that now? I could kill you this instant.
GREEN MAN: Then why don’t you?
GOLDEN GOD: Because, you fool – I need to reveal my secret plan!
GREEN MAN: I’m assuming you’re going to make an army of clones of yourself and use it to turn everyone else gold?
GOLDEN GOD: I’m going to – eh, what? Damn, it Green Man - you figured out my plan?
GREEN MAN: Well, yeah. Pretty – pretty easy to piece together.
GOLDEN GOD: Well whatever, the plan may be conceptually simple, but it’s a goddamn good one… GOLDEN GOD stares off into space and daydreams… CUT TO – EXT/DAY: Philadelphia in Mayor Lefevre’s Fantasy In his daydream, MAYOR LEFEVRE walks down a colorful city street on a beautiful sunny day. As he walks, he passes MAYOR LEFEVRE clones out and about, chatting on steps, working in the shops and waving to MAYOR LEFEVRE as he goes by. They’re the only people on the street.
MAYOR LEFEVRE CLONE 1: Morning, Brian!
MAYOR LEFEVRE: Hey Brian!
MAYOR LEFEVRE CLONE 2: Lovely day, ay Brian?
MAYOR LEFEVRE: Hope it never ends, my friend! He sees a MAYOR LEFEVRE clone struggling to lift a box onto the back of a truck.
MAYOR LEFEVRE: Need a hand with that Brian?
MAYOR LEFEVRE CLONE 3: Oh, that’d be great. The two MAYOR LEFEVREs lift the box onto the truck.
MAYOR LEFEVRE CLONE 3: So… how can I… thank you? The two MAYOR LEFEVREs start passionately making out. Other MAYOR LEFEVRE clones crowd around, aroused by what they see. CUT BACK TO INT/NIGHT: The Mayor’s Office/Laboratory GOLDEN GOD’s eyes are still closed.
GOLDEN GOD: Oooh… Oh yeah. Get in there, boys.
GREEN MAN: Um, what the fuck is happening?
GOLDEN GOD snaps back to reality.
GOLDEN GOD: Oh. Uh… Excuse me… GOLDEN GOD turns and strolls as he talks.
GOLDEN GOD: We can only use the replicator to create powerless versions of my likeness for now… We need to modify the process for my unique genetic code in order to clone my powers as well – something we were planning to do in secrecy, before that goddamn reporter had to ruin everything!
GREEN MAN: Wait… we?
GOLDEN GOD: Yes… You could say I’m more of the brawn in this operation… And the looks. DR. WAITRESS steps out of the shadows.
DR. WAITRESS: (to Golden God) Well hello, handsome.
GREEN MAN gasps.
DR. WAITRESS: I see you remember me, Green Man. You should have let those thugs kill me in that alley… I guess I’m not going to get the chance to thank you after all.
GREEN MAN: Why are you helping this guy? DR. WAITRESS walks back over to GOLDEN GOD and starts stroking his arm.
DR. WAITRESS: Because he’s a God – and I worship him.
GREEN MAN: Are you serious? I bet he doesn’t even know your name! GOLDEN GOD laughs nervously.
GOLDEN GOD: Ha… That’s – that’s ridiculous… Uh, silence! Silence, by the way! DR. WAITRESS steps back and looks at GOLDEN GOD.
DR. WAITRESS: OK… what’s my name? GOLDEN GOD stumbles.
GOLDEN GOD: Uhh…
DR. WAITRESS: Oh, are you kidding me!?
GOLDEN GOD: Um, you’re my Golden Goddess! I’m the Golden God and you’re my Golden Goddess!
DR. WAITRESS: You are such an asshole! You know what, I’m helping this guy now. DR. WAITRESS starts to walk toward GREEN MAN. GOLDEN GOD shrugs and grabs DR. WAITRESS’ shoulder. His hair glows. DR. WAITRESS rips herself away – but it’s too late.
GREEN MAN: No! Dr. Waitress!
GOLDEN GOD: Right, that’s it. DR. WAITRESS stares back at GREEN MAN as she turns to gold.
GOLDEN GOD: Well now I’m going to have to find another smart-but-pathetic girl to do all the heavy lifting here – so thanks for that, Green Man. You know what, just for that – you die now. A group of MAYOR LEFEVRE clones step out of the shadow.
GOLDEN GOD: It’s been fun – but I think I’m going to go walk around and turn some people into gold. Then I’ll call it a night. Boys… GOLDEN GOD walks out of the room as the MAYOR LEFEVRE clones gather around GREEN MAN. Just as they’re about to attack – PEACOCK and TROLL BOY burst into the room, tweaking and guns blazing. PEACOCK shoots a clone in the head and the rest scatter; PEACOCK chases them down, laughing maniacally, while TROLL BOY runs to GREEN MAN’s rescue. TROLL BOY still has the coffee in his hands.
TROLL BOY: Hey, hey Charles. Sorry about all this. Here ya go! TROLL BOY uses his drug-induced superhuman strength to rip the restrainers clean off the chair.
GREEN MAN: Holy shit, dude!
TROLL BOY: Yeah, we drank some of this coffee – it’s full of stuff, lots of stuff Charles. You want some?
GREEN MAN: Uh – no thanks, man.
TROLL BOY: OK, great – more for me. Anyways, let Peacock and me kill these clones – you go get that gold bitch! TROLL BOY screams and runs after a clone, firing randomly. GREEN MAN chases after GOLDEN GOD.
INT / NIGHT: Philadelphia City Hall – Main Lobby GREEN MAN arrives in the main lobby of City Hall, just as GOLDEN GOD is about to walk out the front doors to unleash havoc on Philadelphia.
GREEN MAN: Lefevre! We’re not done! GOLDEN GOD turns around. His hair glows. He raises his hands, also glowing.
GOLDEN GOD: You fool! I am a God! You’re just a man in a green suit - you’re no match for me! A voice from the background. It’s a horrible Swedish accent.
ENRIQUE BEEFCAKE: Vell vhy don’t ve even de odds!
GREEN MAN: Beefcake!
BEEFCAKE: Dere’s only one God, mayor – and his name is… vell, ve don’t really – he doesn’t actually have a… It’s God. God is God.
GOLDEN GOD: Silence, moron! Ugh, I hate that goddamn voice. Banning you from speaking was absolutely the right decision.
GREEN MAN: You banned him from speaking? I just thought he was a mute! (To Beefcake) Come on Beefcake – let’s do this.
ENRIQUE: Yeah, OK – dat’s good Green Man! Just don’t let him touch you or he’ll turn you into the gold having!
GOLDEN GOD: Oh – what, are you German now? ENRIQUE and GREEN MAN descend on GOLDEN GOD. In a beautiful, coordinated attack, they pummel him from either side while dodging each of GOLDEN GOD’s attempts to grasp them. GREEN MAN delivers the final blow – a powerful kick to the head. GOLDEN GOD falls to his knees. The glow in his eyes and hair goes out. He falls over, badly beaten and dazed – but still alive.
GREEN MAN: Now, time to lock you up where you’ll never hurt another so– PEACOCK and TROLL BOY burst in again, still tweaking. They shoot the mayor over and over as they scream.
PEACOCK: Yeah, that’s right bitch! That’s what you get for turning my husband gold, you gold jackass. Gold piece of shit!
TROLL BOY: I don’t want to be a sidekick anymore! I hate it! I want the cars and the broads and I want to say cool shit!
GREEN MAN: God… damn it.
ENRIQUE: Yeah! Dat’s right! Send him to Hell!
TROLL BOY: Hey Enrique! Want a pick-me-up? TROLL BOY still has the coffee. He hands it to ENRIQUE, who takes a sip. ENRIQUE’s eyes widen. He grabs TROLL BOY’s gun and starts shooting GOLDEN GOD’s corpse along with PEACOCK. TROLL BOY cheers them on. As they continue to shoot and cheer, the camera pulls out back into the streets of Philadelphia. CUT TO - EXT/NIGHT: Downtown Philadelphia A montage of the city rolls.
NARRATOR: Well, Philadelphia. You’re safe – for another day, at least. Lucky you. I guess the only question is – what’s waiting tomorrow? The GREEN MAN’s silhouette flashes through the streets.
NARRATOR: Whatever it is… You can sleep easy, Philadelphia… Because he’s out there. Watching. Listening. The defender… the seeker of justice… the – Green Man! THE END
Wow - you actually read this entire thing? Thank you so much!
I also wrote another episode if you care to check it out: Charlie's Place
Thanks again for reading!!
Thought I'd start a thread like this due to some being new to it and those that aren't but could explain some basic strategies for soccer betting (and laying)
I'll start off with a few of my tips: Betting on wincasts and scorecasts is overall a waste of money. It looks good but you're getting horrible value.
I'll use paddy Power bookmakers as an example...
Scorecast for Liverpool to win 1-0 and Suarez to score first = 40/1(41.0) But look at it another way, Liverpool to win 1-0 is 15/2(8.50) and Suarez to score first is 7/1(8.0), that means the bookmakers have other odds of this to happen is 7/1 x 15/2 = 67/1(68.0).. Scorecasts and wincasts, etc; are attractive and bookmakers make a lot of money off of them. I not trying to put you off making "cast" bets but consider the value before hand... The realistic value of this bet would be ~55/1.
Keep an eye on strikers in form, and make bets on them to score anytime or first goalscorer or combination of both. Look all over the world for these strikers if you must, pick in singles or multiples for a weekend, its up to you. I know it sounds simple but look back and think of all the money you could of made backing Demba Ba to score every game in a row, Van Persie or Papiss Cisse, the list goes on..
A more personal one, but lets say you want to do an accumulatoparlay with five teams, go for the 5 fourfold bets instead of the straight accumulator, stops that one result making the difference in winning and gives you a better idea of how good you actually are.
Use at least one bookmaker and one exchange. eg. Paddypower and Betfair. this helps you take advantage of better odds and free bets that bookmakers will give you from time to time. For example for free bets, lets say I get a free €5 bet with PP, I will then go to Betfair and lay on the bet I made with PP.. Means I don't lose.
Lay on a team to score the next goal if they're playing against bigger team and that if they have just scored: eg. Lets say Grenada score a goal against Barca, lay on Grenada to score the next goal...
Fancy a team to cause an upset? Just wait until the match starts. eg. Grenada to win, wait a few minutes into the game and their odds will get bigger almost straight away, especially if the favorites dominate possesion initially..
I'm more familiar with betting on other things personally but I understand these to be fairly good tips and work well for me, feel free to disagree and add your own tips.
Hello everyone, and welcome back to the Rap Battle Royale! 37 civs entered, only 1 can leave. Which one will it be?
Before we start, I would just like to point out that I've been travelling quite a lot, and also the internet went down for me, so I havn't been able to reply to many comments. Unfortunately, I'm going to be spending 2 days going back to London tomorrow and the day after, so sorry bout that.
After this, each rapper must respond to their enemies verses with a second verse, which will be due in on Sunday, 11am brit time
, swearing and insults are allowed but no rascism or clear hatred. PM me the raps once they're done. A few people didn't message me their raps, and most have explained to me why they havn't. When we get both verses the Judges will commence deciding who progresses and who will be doomed to cry to themselves for the rest of their lives. Thanks to everyone for the support!
A reminder of the battles:
Onwards to the show! oh wait, it seems the babylonians want to rap, even though they have a bye.
BABYLONS "DONT FUCK WITH ME" RAP:
Even though I got a week one bye, Thought I might spit verse for fun. Let all the others know not to try, Rap against Nebby, you're done. Lyrics be nuclear like our subs, Under ice we see you fight. While you still fighting with spears and clubs, Be too simple for rhymes I write. Watch me win Babylon this battle, I'll be king, call me Royale. While you all sit and prattle, I'll be chillin' at Nassau Canal.
CHILE VS INCA: Your name is gagging4gags, so here's a joke: Who's only got 6 cities, and a pop that's broke? Unlike your username suggests, here's to hoping you don't choke-- Until the Chilean Renaissance when you're still livin' in Baroque! No need to serve you, Pachacuti, You're self-servin' like Tutti Frutti Snipe your terrace farms for booty O'Higgins, no scope, Call of Duty Valparaiso should've been ominous, Prepare for the red white and blue apocalypse Fuck off Remus, this is Romulus With failure you've become synonymous First in military on the continent, Wreaking havoc on your confidence Combined with Eva and Brazil's incompetence The only way we play is dominance.
Hey Chile nice start there - very mountainous, I guess it's easy to defend but where's your growth? Well we've got terrace farms but an annoying blot of blue, So when we've finished feasting we'll grow off you. Our expansions lookin' better no Colombia in game, But your position with Argentina is looking quite the same. Only this time they're lookin' angry and more strong, I think they'll take your cities, doubt you'll prove me wrong. Oh look what's that? Do I see Part 5? Looks like we're gonna eat Brazil alive. Generating more spots for our UI, By the time we get to you you'll quickly die.
MAYANS VS BUCCANEERS
You think you got the high seas? I’ll put on your fuckin’ knees You think you’ve got the land lead? I only see a desperate need To spread your seed Make you into a gentile And then I’ll defile Your precious canal We’ll see who’s banal Build your terracotta army But it ain’t gonna help Cuz Pacal is getting smarmy You motha-buccin’ whelp When things are getting heady Got atlatls ready We gunnin’ for ya Henry
Coming straight from the Port of my plundering spree We are the 12 sail terror of the Caribbean Sea We do what we want because a pirate is free The world's gonna fall to the b u double C We gonna make the world crunk with our rum and distilleries Gonna make the world burn with our ships and artillery Gonna make it rain gold with our treasurer so glittery Gonna make our opposition walk the plank-- literally Well rattle your atalatals with our cannons & paddles Cut you up like cattle win the battle And take a victory ride through our canal at Panama It's your apocalypse now, start retirement planning brah.
TEXAS VS MEXICO:
Hey, is that the sound of armies running away? Well it must be the Mexicans getting bored today! Let me tell y’all what will happen when you take a rash action against the Lone-star faction, you get a reaction that y’all just didn’t expect! We crushed your friends in the east, but they tried at least but you cannot compete against Sam Houston’s Elite! You’re next, so before you get wrecked, y’all better show Texas some respect! We’ve got Baltimore, Lincoln has lost your war, but don’t be so quick to rush out the door so I can make sure y’all get the arrows that y’all paid for! So have your fun while I finish my steak brisket, But if y’all want Austin, come and take it!
BLACKFOOT VS FRANCE
I thought I was gonna rap against the sioux But no, out of all people i ended up with YOU Napoleon, famous for being a gnome Too bad you can’t beat anyone else than Rome Yeah, run away with your wine and your baguettes Or else I WILL make sure you’ll have regrets You want an empire? You’ll have to change yo’ plans Soon you’ll see black feet all over yo’ lands Just waiting for the world congress to convene We’ll make you relive the 18th of June 1815 You know your new city, Neapolis? Ain’t gonna be long before it’s a fuckin’ necropolis I’ll do to you what the germans did to Lorraine and Alsace Next part, to see your empire, you’ll need a magnifying glass!
Napoleon is too scared to respond.
INUIT VS ICELAND
I am Ingolfur Arnarson, leader of the Icelandic vikings And I’m afraid that my appearance here bodes you some ill tidings You’d better run and hide in an igloo, pathetic Ekheunik, ‘Cause I might be drinking from your skull at my next Icelandic picnic! You can’t beat an Icelander at a glorious rap battle Our UA’s geared towards Great Writing, so spare me all your prattle Let’s face it, your civ’s basically just the Sioux’s little brother Compare a rag-tag bunch of seal hunters to me? I’m a Viking warrior! When you try to cross from the mainland, you’ll meet my longboat fleet If you forward-settling bastards settle Greenland, you’ll be facing defeat I believe it’s time for you seal-hunters to cede the lands of snow to us Or we’ll take them by force and you’ll run away in fear, wuss The only reason I can conceive that I won’t win this fray Is if the Sioux get to you first and whip you anyway
Waddup, Iceland, ya gonna get beat cause you be fucking with the true kings of the ice sheet. This battles gonna end in our reykjavik-tory. Your thingstead? Yo your things dead, our rhymes are straight fire we skalding you, So we think it's time that you inuksuk our dicks If crouchin' in on my borders is what I feel Ima club u bitch, just like a fuckin' seal. You think you come from the land of Ice and Snow? All you know is how to blow! Descendants of a Viking King Destined to become My Bottom Bitch Queen You came to my land once, tryin' to expand I bitch slapped you, knocked you down, with my righthand Selfish, you threw a fit, chickened out, it was neat It's nice and warm there with those volcanoes for heat But I will kindle my fires with your peoples feet Your name is Bullshit, A lie, Deceit Ingólfr Arnarson ([ˈiŋkoulvʏr̥ ˈartnar̥sɔn])[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Help:IPA_for_Icelandic
] You'll be kissing OurOwnAsses-son
IRELAND VS ENGLAND
Battle against Ireland? Shit, only one way to go/ make a few- well, loads- of jokes about potatoes/ You'll be in trouble when my guns are in Dublin/ wipe off that smug grin, my subs'll have you unsubbing./ Your rhymes are weak, the famine's hit your brain,/ you're not Battle Royale, you're the Hunger Games./ Your army's tame, mine is high and mighty,/ making you flighty, straight outta Blighty,/ you gonna strike me? I'm asking politely/ before I come from York to Cork, fighting/ knick knack paddy whack, sipping my tea,/ Right after Germany I'll raze your cities,/ Now I'm nearly finished, so finish your Guinness,/ or whatever piss it is they drink in Limerick/ And thank St Patrick, tomorrow's has-been/ for all the land I'll take for God and the Queen.
Oh what country is this, England, barely a rival to great Éire, Are you taking the piss? The Atlantic, not enough to stop our fire, This marks the end of your empire, Which already leaves nothing of desire, So what happened to your sun, Seems to have set, Your own title, You'll need more than your queen, To have it met. I hear you crying, don't worry pet, Your nation will be finished quickly, For the love of God don't get upset
NORWAY VS SWEDEN
Okay y’all… We’re here in Northern Europe for MKII And I know the fans are hating on me and on you Now why the distain? It ain’t no mystery Here in Civilization, fans love their history Yo, school’s in session (school bell) Class, today’s subject is TPang’s Battle Royale, MK I (sit up straight Mr. Kropenfuer
) Back then everyone was pissed about Mess-opotamia Norway was sitting pretty, alone in Scandenavia Shoulda' been a cinch! You had the whole peninsula But you barely made war and you kept so insula’ So when Stalin burned Oslo you EARNED the name Snoreway And now we’ve all been forced into a Nordic 4-way I mean it figures, you’re just some two-bit mod I’m a prime Firaxis, a diplomatic god I’ve got a shit UA and shit UU And I still took Eidsvoll away from you
This is Norway! The axe-wielding lion of the North
Come to foray, on rap battlefield to sally forth
Now that Round One is here, we see through Swedish veneer
And your tears make it clear that we are your worst fear
What’s that in your ears? Sounds like an army of cheers
For we’ve lined your frontiers with a carpet of spears!
Your homeland lays empty; not even a boat
Like your underwrote Vasa, your hype just won’t float
D’you see the ranked vote? Gus, you’ve been demote!
Ain’t much of a gloat to peg your chances: remote!
The one question left now is who’ll make the most gains
See, Hitler and Poland and Finland have laid claims
But this is our moment to claim your domains, for
Our banner maintains: Your losses? Our gains!
Once we take Stockholm, we’ll party; a gala —
And ‘till then, Norwegians will fight to Valhalla!
GERMANY VS ROME
Oh my you've made a mess of things, I'll listen to you rhymes as they ping, off my legions Segmentata, whilst we conquer you lands we call Germania, my empire inspired you Russia and The Ottomans, and the French but we don't want your amends, the Republic owned the Mediterranean, whilst you couldn't even hit Britain, Italy created your policy of Fascism, but your people clearly study absurdism, you might think your Panzers will scare me, but I rap faster than a bullet to the knee, your role model for nationalism is Arminius, shall I introduce you to my Grand Nephew Germanicus, you can bring Beethoven and Mozart, but in a fight they'd be as useless as a fart, as I am Imperator Caesar Divi Filius Augustus, whilst your own gun brought you to justice, now I am a known as man of means, so I'll crucify you and your Nazis across the Alpennes.
Hitler is too busy ranting about civ 5 to respond.
POLAND VS FINLAND
Hey Poland, what's up homie You should hear the shit that Stalin told me Told me bout your stuggles in settling cities and that you can't forward settle Germany Ya gonna get eliminated that's for sure Got four better civs, knocking at your door The only balls ya got are comics gonna disappear like the supersonics we dealing with the nazis and Huns but they can bite us while you're getting fucked by Leonidas Falling through the rankings part after part Folks jumping on the bandwagon now they falling off the cart We be screaming Hakkaa päälle Best that you get out of our way Run back to Hitler no time to delay Polish eagle ain't no bird of prey
Casimir is too busy being STRONK to reply.
SPARTA VS BYZANTIUM
My schedule's pretty tight right now, but I'll try to pen you in Got dinner plans laid out for me in Rome, Warsaw and Berlin. But when I have some time to kill I'll crush you like your kin Cuz everyone knows King Leo is the only Royal you're gonna win! I'll pwn you purple poser, when at war I'm a composer Molon labe with your mother while I loot Constantinople Verses purer than an opal with more vision than a Jew Just ask the mighty legions of rappers than I've slew You are weak, both mind and body, Rap or spear I'll run you through, What more can I say? Even the Champa have pointier sticks than you.
Nice rhymes, Leo, now to put you in the trash, aint nothing that can compete with Alexios’ raps. You’re not special, you’re a glorified barbarian, and you can’t beat me, this empire stretches from Cyprus to the CCCP! You’ve been in more wars than anyone else, yet you got no cities to display on your shelf! You fought against Rome, and that was just fine, EXCEPT A POLISH SCOUT STOPPED YOUR ‘HELL DINE’! Now listen up Leo, and listen up good, your city Sparta? Ha, what a joke. Everything you did? I’m the motherfucker that perfected it. Come to war with me and my people be cheering, I’ll be pumping out spearmen, Byzantium be leering, victory is nearing. Now if you’re gonna come to war with me, look out for a hunchback snitch, unless you wanna die. DEUS VULT, bitch.
USSR VS AYYUBIDS
STRAIGHT OUTTA MOSCOW CRAZY COMMIE NAMED U/NOT_ENOUGH_CHARACTE FROM A GANG CALLED THE BOLSHEVIK PARTY EGYPT IS ON THE HIT LIST LIST FOR LENIN'S TEAM CALL THAT SHIT A PYRAMID SCHEME ALREADY ON YOUR BORDER, IGNORING ANY PLEA WHY DO YOU THINK IT'S CALLED THE RED SEA? SHOOTING UP SULTANS IN MARX'S NAME HE'S GOT THE MOST GANGSTA CLIQUE IN THIS GAME ONE OF US IS A SLAVE, THE OTHER A SLAV NOW HAVE A TASTE OF MY MOLOTOV SOON OVER SINAI WE'LL WAVE THE RED FLAG WELCOME TO YOUR NEW HOME IN THE GULAG!
Do you know what you’re getting yourself into? We’re not just some nation coming out of the blue. We’re the proud, strong Ayyubid nation, While the man who died of a nosebleed is giving you some forceful liberation. We own a mountain important to everyone from the Jews to the people that are Coptic, While your nation struggles to develop an arrow or an optic. Our cities are known worldwide as the cities for trade and growth, While if you said the same you’d be lying under oath. We’re the pinnacle of the lands of North Africa, While your ranking is worse than every single civilization of North and South America. You’ve probably had quite a bit more than one too many booze, And tales of your incompetence and crudeness are told from Sydney to Santa Cruz. It’s getting quite obvious who the real winner is here, And it’s not the one here ranked on the bottom tier.
CARTHAGE VS ETHIOPIA Look at the elephant, trying to face off against the lion You’re historically and battle royally as big a threat as the Hawaiians In our corner we got god incarnate Haile Selassie! Shooting up shit with his archer carpets and Mehal Sefari As fast as Tpang builds hype and throws shrimps on his barbie He’s one bad ass emperor, the fucking Lion of Judah! Everybody knows him, from Sydney to Berlin and even Tortuga What’s your leader famous for? Cuz I’m not quite sure That riding some elephants over some hills and then not taking Rome And exiling himself from home Is quite cause for celebration Trying to encourage participation? You’re pathetic, we’ll be kind and quickly storm your capital You’re gonna lose even more cities than fucking Br1 Hannibal! Verse 2 You talk big for someone that couldn’t handle an imperial power Carthage ain’t on no maps, nothing but salt, not even a flower Should have seen us at Adwa, if you wanted to know how to fight an Italian Ethiopia’s as independent as a feminist Battalion What’s wrong, need your elephant give you a kiss? Are you still sad about what happened at Hippo Regius? Look at you getting your ass whooped by fools worshiping a Golden Stool Do we need to get over there and take you back to civ School? Because you’re nothing but glorified elephant drivers Ethiopians are survivors, thrivers, modernizers and decolonizers So spread the word, lock up, lights out, tell your elephants goodnight Because the Lion of Judah is about to take his first bite!
The year is 20 sixty 5, down the valley old Hannibal flies We staunched the ashanti of ejura, a curse we were in the Drumroll war. Hannibal is literally the ice cube of Africa Beating women in conquered cities creating a massacre He may be intellectually bankrupt but he makes it up with the sword Ambitious and dreamy He’ll send the ashanti skyward He’ll turkey slap Ethiopia with his morning wood And they’ll take it like how blacks take police brutality in he hood We may be the Turtle of Africa’s west But we get harbours in every city fuck yeah we’re the best I forget how generic haile Selassie really is He’s an autist, his only lover is his wrist His parents probably think he’s a waste of jizz And I end it here, carthage is open for business!
PERSIA VS MUGHALS
Good Job, you guys took a city,/ But only in part 4. /Truthfully told, you Mughals /just really make me snore. /You're rated high in the rankings, /but the Persians don't really care. /To you we say salaam kqarsalu,/ In english, "hello, fat bear." /Theres only one powerful civ here,/ Its most definitely us, son,/ 'cause before you can upgrade your spearmen to pikes, /we'll be out there shooting our guns.
PERSIA? WHAT A JOKE! ONE OF THE WEAKEST PLAYERS! CAN'T EVEN GET THEIR ARMY TO THE HIMA-FUCKIN'-LAYAS! ACHAEMENID EMPIRE? BULLSHIT YOU WAAAAAY UNDER PAR! YOU'RE EVEN TURTLING HARDER THAN MYAN-FUCKING-MAR! ITS A WELL KNOWN FACT WE GOT A GAME WINNING STRATEGY, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST ACCEPT YOUR EMPIRES A COMPLETE UTTER TRAGEDY? YOU'LL BE MAIMED, ENSLAVED, ET-CET-ER-RA! BET CHU KNOW WHATS COMING NEXT! - DEATH TO PERSIA!
YAKUTIA VS JAPAN
Alright, cut me some slack because I don't do this ever, But, Japan, you're in the midst of a depressing endeavor. If, maybe, you stayed loyal to Oda Nobunaga, You wouldn't be so boring in Part 4 of your saga. You're trying to compete for the most pointiest sticks, But you only seem to have the most littlest dicks. You're tactics are whack, and you're proving to be useless, Quit turtling, you coward, and do something ruthless. You "shot up the Power Rankings like a Tianjin blast," Well, I'm sorry, but that's just Part 2 in the past, And it's a shame, because I like that your start bias is coast, But your performance, so far, has been nothing to boast. Do us all a favor, and send some units to Seoul, So we can all stop thinking you're a worthless asshole. But if I ever see you make your way up to the tundra, Just know that you're not gonna have any fundra.
Meji is too busy turtling harder than turtle ships.
MONGOLIA VS TIBET
Spiritual- my soul is free like Tibet Dalai Lama reaps my advice and respect Unlike Genghis Khan "villainy n death" This pale blue spot not just a skin defect You're horde's nothing but a band of whores I got plenty of Condoms- this means war I can't be stopped, I'm the reincarnate Your swords strict but you betta get ya bars straight I'm all about the peace, in the far east I'll blow you away like a Himalayan breeze Maximize all my religious beliefs You're eyes burn from the holiness that is ME This advice to you should not go unstored Too many wars n whores can make a mind bored Another turn You must grow- shed the sword Or your nation will drop just like ya jaw
(you can listen to a recorded version here!
I'm the great khan of the mongol hordes I crush foreign lords, clash swords, we go to war I want more, a roar of a battle cry temujin flies up in the sky with air strikes no matter the era, the fuck did you hear? that genghis keshiks fuck you from the rear? I roll through with catapults, landships to nukes but my nomad blood keeps me close to my roots like I won't let city states stand like my clan eliminates bitches from kiev to yuan my battle plan revolves around your destruction my civ's influx of cities grant no fucks son I'm a grandmaster of war, no denial your basic monks stand no chance of survival and when I die boy, your city burns I stand by and fortify my troops, 10HP per turn
(You can listen to a recorded version here!
CHINA VS VIETNAM
TIME TO STRIDE BACK INTO SOUTHEAST ASIA LOOKIN' A LITTLE ROUGH I'LL CURE WHAT AILS YA
ARRIVE IN THIS SHIT LIKE I DROP NAPALM BOMBS BEEN A ROUGH THOUSAND YEARS FOR THE KINGDOM OF NAM BETTER OFF AS MY COLONY WASN'T THAT COOL? TURN MY BACK FOR TWO SECONDS AND YOU UNDER FRENCH RULE!
YOU FLOW SLOW, SPIT SOFT YOUR RHYMES JUST AIN'T STRONG YOU SURE AIN'T A KING MORE LIKE A DONKEY CONG!
while china raps, vietnam uses it as an oppotunity to take their cities.
BURMA VS PHILIPINES
Oh look, it's Burma, wanting to fight us on demand To be honest, the world thinks of you as West Thailand You had a useless war against Champa, that's a shame But then again, you Indochinese all look the same The 'Pagan Empire' founded Buddhism? Bunch of whacks We'd rather follow the other with hookers and yaks You say of the wrath of Anawrahta: "It's cool, it rocks" We guess you're compensating for your little peacocks Face it, Burma, you don't stand a chance against us now Might as well run to your real capital Naypyitaw The Philippines will bring the End of Your Strife (straight to Rangoon!) Kaba Ma Kyei? Too bad, it starts with your life (with our typhoon!) We'll await your return and feeble comeback, Burma We hope you brought cold water, because we just burned ya!
(You can listen to a recorded version here!
While Rizal was pooping propaganda about freedom and oppression Anawratha reformed religion, marking out a brand new nation Infrastructure built with patience, intensive agricult'ral changes! So see if you can cross our triple mountain ranges! We've both built canals, but yours is in your capital One measly hypertyphoon and you're outta this battle Your start was so bad Tpang had to give you buffs The result of Rizal's resolve was simply not enough Got colonised twice and lost your surname identities Can't keep your islands from your Chinese enemies What's wrong with you?! Ya like the most eastern Western country! Why don't you come visit Burma to see an Asian society? We have generals who conquered all of Indochina! You're on an stupid puny island so I'm gonna remind ya You need to conquer people to win the Battle Royale There's no way you're ever gonna win with that morale
(you can find a recorded version here!
KIMBERLEY VS AUSTRALIA
First of all - let me introduce myself I’m the badass muh-fucker From south of ya’ll Jandamarra, he’ll track ya down Put a spear through your leg And a hole in your crown Now Australia – I know you think you’re tough And compared to some, yah you might be rough But I was born to this Bred to this The outback is where I fucking bled for this So come now Australia, It’s time to settle the score For Terra Nullius don’t apply here any more
Austrailia dosn't respond.
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